I have been giving a lot of thought over the past year to blogging and how it relates to my life. I had originally created Brutal in 2000 to exercise the writer part of me because I have always loved to write (my field of study in college was journalism...). But it also had a lot to do with hitting a point in my life where I really didn't know what I wanted to do and I was so insecure in so many ways that the only way I could get any relief was to write. I guess making myself heard was the goal. For the most part, I have achieved that.

Now, in 2007, things are different. WAY different. I truly am nothing like the person I was in 2000. There are so many stories about *why* that is - too many to recount here...but if you troll through the archives you might be able to connect the dots in your own unique way(s) to discover "why". But right now, it's time to move on to new and possibly more exciting literary things. That said, this will be the final entry and the end of the Brutal blog.

Also, over the past several years, blogging has become so INCREDIBLY homogenized to the point of sheer boredom. For the handful of extremely talented writers, it remains a vital vehicle for communication and is a damn good medium for them. The flipside, however, is more dismal. A large majority of these blogs are just showing off *just* for the sake of showing off as their writing is poor, unexciting, fatally self-centered and content free.

While I believe that I have talent (and can be self-centered with the best of them), I have nothing to prove to anyone. Moreover, showing off has always been repellent to me and is contrary to my true nature. I'd rather not use Brutal as a vehicle to do that.

That's not to say that I won't create something else to occupy the urge to vent my creativity in a public setting, but at this point I'd almost rather write stories specifically for individuals as opposed to a mass audience. There is so much more that is satisfying and challenging about doing that, that it's become a bit of a side project for me. There might be a day when I publish some of those stories in a forum such as a blog. Maybe not. Or as an ex-manager of mine was fond of saying, "no promises".

I appreciate all of the comments people have made about Brutal, either via email or verbally. As an aside, two of my favorite comments were:

1) one friend who said that he enjoyed Brutal because it wasn't an online diary ( i.e., NOT stuff like: "I did this today", "I ate that today", etc...) and that I told "stories",

and

2) a long-lost girlfriend of my deceased high school friend Joe de Vera (go here for my blog entry about Joe), who just happened to do a Google search on his name, found my story about him, and ended up writing me to share her feelings about Joe with me. We had a short correspondence but afterward I felt SO much more connected than I had ever felt - not expecting my waxing poetic about Joe would ever result in that.

It for these two reasons plus ALL of the other comments folks have made, that I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.

And now it's time to sign off. Thanks again for reading this blog for the past seven years. Take care.

-wm.

Dammit, I hate when that happens. And now, all I want to do is leave...

“Never, EVER, feel bad or wrong or guilty for loving someone…”

“But that’s all sentiment…and if 100% sentiment is all it is, then nothing else, real or imagined, exists…”

“Be very, very and absolutely sure that it’s something that you really want…”

“Please don’t say ‘I’m not the person you think I am’….that’s a coward’s way out and you’re not a coward…”

“Make a list of what YOU want out of life…that’s not being selfish, that’s taking care of yourself…”

“Be cool, dress cool, don't take these things so seriously...your confidence and happiness with yourself will allow you to be who you always were…”

I could attribute but you all know who said what…I just appreciate the small handful of friends that I have and that they love and care for me as much as I love and care for them.

And friends are allowed to smack the SHIT out of each other from time-to-time…it’s an essential part of keeping the people that you love from wandering down paths of self-destruction. No matter what those vice(s) are…

Laughter, sadness, elation, depression, magic and loss. Good and true and noble intentions that represent true love and feelings that, in another time and place, would be the cause for much celebration. And maybe there will be a time and place for that in the future. Right now, all there is is the present.

Everyone is searching for happiness and grounding - some lucky folks achieve it. I and others continue to grasp around in the dark looking for the handle that will open the door to it. It is those of us who are in the dark that I worry for. Will we ever find it? Will we even get close?

Times like these are the true test of all that is right and wrong with our lives.

Times like these are created solely by us and we allow ourselves to run as amok inside them as much as we feel comfortable with.

Times like these we critically question our core values and relationships and lives in the hope that there's an answer out there somewhere. I have no doubt that there is an answer out there, but right now all there is...is the present.

Ordinarily I would have been annoyed (as it was about 11 pm and I had just gone to bed), and initially I was but after the 6th or 7th, I realized what was happening and then strained to hear just one more. More came in succession, building up a weird but neat rhythm, clashing with the quiet, still air of a July night.

Then, just as it started, it was over. Although I didn't dream because of it, it felt like a unique summer had finally arrived and was making its contribution to an already unique year.

Standing still for too long means atrophy; it means wasting away; it means not fulfilling your potential…no one intentionally wants that. At least I don’t. But taking that first step is still difficult.

It would be very convenient to have a crystal ball that could tell you your fate when you decide to take that step. But then knowing everything to come would probably be a dreary existence. As much as it’s frightening to not be able to predict or see the future, it is filled with learning, albeit not in ways that you’d imagine. It may seem more like pain than learning in the moment…

But if your goal is to continue learning until you die, then you have to force yourself take that step. Not taking that step and choosing to stand still is to deny your real purpose, intentions, and most importantly, your existence.

It was at the World Wrestling Peace Festival in Los Angeles many years ago. Famous Japanese wrestler (and politician) Antonio Inoki had a hand in this particular event and it brought together several of the world's wrestling organizations into one multi-hour show...a fan's (especially a Japanese wrestling fan's) dream come true.

My friend Les and I managed to get backstage through a friend and we were in awe. As we were walking around, Chris came up to us and introduced himself. HE came up and introduced himself.

We spent the next 20 minutes jabbering about wrestling, his matches and the insane things we had seen him do in the ring. He was the most gracious, nicest, genuine guy you could possibly imagine - not a solitary conceited, arrogant or haughty bone in his body.

Toward the end our conversation, he paused and looked over at the monitors showing the matches in the ring, pulled us over and said, "Man, that's Tatsumi Fujinami! He's one of my favorite guys to wrestle...when I was in Japan he was the best guy in the ring. I learned so much from him...". He then proceeded to describe Fujinami's moves with the precision of a true fanatic but all in glowing, respectful, and reverential terms. Then he turned and thanked us for coming to the show and said that he had to get ready for his match.

Les and I walked away from that meeting with a whole new respect for a guy that we enjoyed in the ring. In fact, the phrase "Hey, you know that Chris Benoit? He's a really nice guy!" was a staple whenever we got together.

I learned this afternoon that Chris (and his wife Nancy and son Daniel) were found dead in their Fayetteville, GA home earlier today. I could not believe it when I heard it but a bit of web searching brought the truth right home.

Say what you want about wrestling, it is sheer spectacle, on either side of the curtain. But to have the fortune of meeting such a nice guy in an industry that doesn't often play nice, and to share 20 minutes with him, just three fans glowing in the light of the spectacle, was something that I have never forgotten. And right now, I just wish I could live that moment all over again but know that I never be able to.

The Long Goodbye is "a study of a moral and decent man cast adrift in a selfish, self-obsessed society where lives can be thrown away without a backward glance...and any notions of friendship and loyalty are meaningless".

You can read the whole wiki page here.

Heaven’s gonna burn your eyes
- Thievery Corporation

Thankful for lots of things these days. Good books, good meals, good trips, good talks. The most excellent friends. Birthdays, holidays, days out, nights in...

Maybe I don't write too much here that indicates just how fortunate I *really* am. I truly am, although sometimes it may not seem like it if you read brutal regularly. If you do, thank you.

My world is plenty bright. And only heaven could match the light here.

The constant curveball of life seems to be baffling me at every turn lately. The desire to hit the ball has turned from 'try' to 'must' which just feels a bit more desperate.

The desire to be an active participant, to hit the ball every single time (not get it get past me), is overwhelming to the point of distraction. If you overthink, then you are not concentrating on your natural talent to merely make contact.

Maybe I just try too damn hard...maybe I should just let the ball come to me rather than chase it all around...

I saw Kaba, Tai and So-chan (so cute!) for a delicious soba lunch and an afternoon of making each other laugh...then met Soma-san and Kazumi for our traditional going away dinner (many years running!) with spaghetti (Japanese style of course!), wine and cheese and more laughs.

I know that my friends here keep me coming back but I cannot say exactly why I love this country so much. Many people have tried to figure it out for me but none have come to describe it exactly. I still can't put it in definite terms. It's just how it is.

So now, off the to airport to get back to life as I know it. I have friends and special people who I also enjoy spending time with and as much as I am going to miss my friends here, I miss my friends back in California. It's time to put the wraps on this one. Until next year, when I'll do it all over again.

The wall has a series of 8 posters (2 of each of 4 characters from the movie). Johnny occupies the second and sixth slots on the wall. On Saturday last week, one Johnny was gone and the other had been torn to shreds - brutal, these Depp kidnappers! On Monday, a middle-aged gentleman was replacing the missing and torn Johnnies with new ones.

By Wednesday, the Johnny Depp disappearance continued. By Thursday, the Johnnies were replaced. Passing by the wall late this evening (Friday), Johnny Depp was the most unlucky boy of all and had gone missing. Again.

This part of the station seems to always be crowded with people so then only two possible things that could explain this are: 1) alien abduction or 2) Johnny Depp gets tired of being plastered to a wall and decides to go have a beer down the hall in the Keio Mall.

There, in fact, is some plausibility to the latter theory...I swear I was sitting next to him tonight as I enjoyed my 10th...er, 2nd beer. And you know, he doesn't look as tall as he does on the wide-screen...no, really....

Usually around this time of year in Japan, rain means one thing: the rainy season. It's called 'tsuyu' (梅雨) and it's hot, sticky, gross, and being in it is not very pleasant. All I could imagine this morning was that I'd feel like a damp, hot rag all day, trying to un-stickify my clothing from my overheated body.

As luck would have it, this was a holdover from a winter storm. The air was cool (and clean), the rain not so pounding, the streets wet but not puddled...it was downright pleasant to walk in (with an umbrella, of course.)

So, this trip is coming to an end, and the rain could have dampened it. But it didn't. It just reminded me that you take these things as they come and sometimes they turn out to be a blessing.